Invincible

Okay, so i suppose with the end of the intern shadowing exams yesterday I am somewhat officially done with med school. For a while after that realization, i felt like i was walking on clouds - lightheaded and surreal. I felt sort of invincible, like the whole world was within my grasps. The thing about feeling temporarily invincible is that in that short space of time when nothing can touch you, you might do something totally random and in retrospect probably a little stupid.

Which was exactly what i did. And yes, looking back now i feel very very VERY stupid.

You see, I contacted my old crush. It's been roughly 2 years since i talked to him last, and I'm proud to say that in that 2 years, i have not thought of him, once! (*little harmless white lie*). But there i was, feeling invincible, on top of the world, saying hi out of the blue. I told him i was bored and asked him (rather shamelessly i might add) to indulge me in conversation for a few hours, which surprisingly he did.

So we talked for a bit, trying to make up for lost time, getting re-acquainted with each other. I found it funny and a little unnerving how easily I could talk to this guy, the same guy who at one point could make me tongue-tied just by walking past me along the corridor. And after a while of pointless small talk, he suddenly asked if i would be in town *insert week* cos he'll be *insert name of place* then for *insert some important work thing*. Of course he could have meant anything by that rather ambiguous question. But i like to think it was a subtle invitation to meet up, perhaps even a date? (please don't burst my bubble even if you think otherwise!).

"Hmmm yeah, i think i'll be around," I tried to sound nonchalant. But of course, I was also feeling drunkenly invincible, feeling I was able to do anything without consequence, so I shamelessly asked him for his number, you know... just in case.

There was an agonizingly long pause at his end.

"Oh no, he's gonna question my intentions," was my first thought. "He's gonna think I'm a total flirt," was my second. "Just kill me and get this over with" was my last thought before he slowly recited some numbers.

"That's the company's number," he adds. (COMPANY? WHAT....?! are u kidding me?)

But then he continued with a tinge of laughter, "And here's my number if you need someone to talk to whenever u're bored - 012xxxxXXX." (Hahaha, you just gave me the literal equivalent of butterflies in my stomach, mister!)

And then because i didn't want to spoil the moment by saying something stupid in my giddiness, i gave him a lame excuse about having to pack my things, told him I'd talk to him again soon, and took my leave (almost a bit too hurriedly).

That was a few hours ago.

I'm no longer invincible now. I've come back down to earth and i feel like a complete idiot for a whole number of reasons. #1: I managed to score his number, but i doubt I'll ever have the nerve to call him now that reality is in the picture. #2: I kinda agreed to a date but i doubt I'd ever have the guts to go. I'm gonna come up with another lame excuse to bail, I'm sure of it!

So really, in short, that whole conversation should never have happened.

Because let's face it, what's the point anyway?

May

You keep hurting me over and over again with your words. You keep saying things that you aren't supposed to say. Yes, i know in reality you're not actually saying them out loud, but writing it so everyone can read is basically just the same as yelling for the whole world to hear.

If you hate me, tell me! If you think i'm insufferable, obnoxious, egoistic, snobbish, tell me! Don't go plastering your thoughts about me for everyone to see. It's not only immature but also very very hurtful. And if you do decide to tell me, and i feel deeply hurt by it, do not blame me. It's only natural that i act this way. It's only natural that I can't look you in the eyes, nor talk to you like I used to. How could I, when I used to look at you and see a friend when now i look at you and see someone i hardly recognize?

It's not that I'm being selfish. It's just how I reflexively try to protect myself. Don't be mad at me when i look away. Don't despise me when i go quiet in your presence. I still consider you a dear friend.

The best thing is to let my wounds heal first. It may take some time, but it will heal eventually. In the meantime, I ask for one thing and one thing only: Please do not hurt me anymore than what you've already done. I'm only human. I can only take so much.

And if i have ever wronged you in any way, from the bottom of my heart, I am sincerely sorry. I am not perfect. I have my flaws. Just know that I'm trying my hardest to scrape those flaws away and replace them with perfection, if that is what it takes to mend our broken friendship. So until I'm good enough to be your friend, let us not be enemies but merely two strangers yet to find that chain which links us.

island

If you know me well, you'd know that I am not a people's person. I am clueless when it comes to social etiquettes and even though i may seem relatively decent in my writings, reality is I often thoughtlessly converse in the fatuous manner of a baby monkey inflicted by verbal diarrhea (i.e offensive, ignorant and excessive).

But that being said, you may find it hard to believe that I am actually - in all my glorified social ineptness - an avid observer of people and humanity. People's lives intrigue me, they fascinate me. I love listening to stories about people - about how a couple first met and fell in love, about who the prince is marrying (i used to have the most childish of schoolgirl crushes on Prince William back in the day), about how a family lost their home, about the kind of things people do which i will never in my entire existence have the guts to try, about any little thing, about life. Now before you accuse me of being the town's gossip girl (or rather an abettor to the common gossiper), I assure you that I merely listen to people's stories and make impartial observations without really partaking in the act of gossip itself. I try to maintain a safe distance from people, because really, how can one observe objectively if not from outside loop? Correct?

Anyway, the REAL reason for this post is for me to express my love for documentaries, especially those that highlight people's lives (no reality TV nonsense for me, thank u very much). But as usual, i got sidetracked so many times before i eventually realized that i'm not reaching my intended point of discourse. So before i go off tangent any further, i will stop here with an interesting trailer i found on Youtube:



The end.

Connemara National Park

So what did we do a day after unofficially becoming doctors, u ask?

We went hiking, hell yeah! 

After working our brain muscles all year long and neglecting the approximately 639 other muscles in our body (hahaha, Dr Carey would be so proud of me for remembering that!), it was about time  we went out for a little exercising. 

And lucky us, it was such a lovely day out - the sun was shining brightly, and it was warm and breezy - all the right ingredients for a good hike. Alright, I admit our stamina was a little shot and yes, we were put to shame several times by groups of old pakciks who happen to hike faster than us. But when we eventually reached the peak (in good time), all the sweat, tears and shame was all worth it! (of course u know i'm exaggerating just a teeny bit for dramatic effect).

Pictures!!~

The trail.

The hike was an excellent way for us to marvel at Allah's magnificence. 

May everything we do in life be in remembrance of the Al-Mighty. =)

I thought this was a funny shot of me navigating the steps on the way down. I look like an old crippled lady while Pinah, my friend, looked like an absolute pro. But before you start jeering at me for my total lack of coolness, i should mention that the winds were strong and i swear it could have blown me away had i decided to stand. And in my defense, i'm a good 20cm taller than Pinah so my higher center of gravity makes me slightly more vulnerable and unstable against the harsh windy conditions. 

(*excuses excuses~~~~)

Now who's up for a cycling trip around the Aran Islands with me? 

Hands up!