What's going on?

Anyone who has known grief, would probably agree that grief comes in uncontrollable waves. And grief waxes and wanes like the ever changing phases of the moon. One minute you might be completely okay and the other you might be overwhelmed with an immense, crippling sadness.

I know first hand what grief feels like. It's a deep dark hole that you fall into and see no way out of. At least not in that particular moment in time when grief decides to hold you in its tight embrace.

One time, not so long ago, grief descended on me on a particularly hard day when everything else around me was also going south. This was when i found out i was losing my job; when the kids would not stop fighting; when someone i thought i loved treated me like an unimportant afterthought he could dismiss and ignore; when it felt like my whole world was crumbling down.

I remember just lying down in bed. Feeling utterly defeated.

Then the tears came. It felt like a dam had broken. Big large sobs of anguish; of pain; of grief; of sadness; of frustration falling like a steady waterfall down my face.

I sobbed.
And sobbed...
and sobbed....

And then....

I felt little fingers wiping my cheeks.

"Ibu, are you okay?". My little thoughtful girl, worried about me.

That just made me cry even harder.

So she started singing.

"Hey, what's going on,
tell me what's wrong,
I know there's something we can do!
It might not be clear,
That's why I'm here,
Tell me what's bothering you!
Got something on you mind?
Don;t you keep it inside..
You're gonna be fine!
Hey, tell me what's wrong,
What's going on?"

Suddenly, it felt like our roles had changed. I was the mother, I was the one who was supposed to comfort my baby girl. Yet on that day, her little singing was comforting me.

And somehow, it worked like magic. My grief was lifted, and the world didn't feel like a cruel unfair place anymore. How could it be? I had my baby girl. My thoughtful, beautiful, baby girl.

And i knew.

As long as i had her, everything would be okay.

Flirty

I was hit on today.

Which is, to be quite frank, both flattering and confusing at the same time.

The lad in question, is probably in his early 20s, and was actually really cute. He had some nice set of teeth and his smile could melt an iceberg.

How it all played out was actually kinda funny. I somehow found myself in a position of damsel in distress when I forgot to pay my parking ticket and only remembered when I got to the exit boomgate. Several cars were already lining up behind me in this tight-squeezed alley so i was effectively trapped. I could neither go forward, nor reverse my car.

In my panicked mode, i started hitting the emergency call button multiple times almost at the verge of tears asking for someone to help me (more like BEGGING actually).

Then...

... he showed up.

Leisurely strolling, with no sense or urgency whatsoever, towards my car. The line of vehicles behind me began honking loudly, understandably annoyed.

He flashed his pearly whites and told me that there was no other way except for someone to run back to the ticket booth and pay our ticket. Since i was driving, My sister obviously had the arduous task of running all the way up to 2nd floor to do that.

So while i waited, with the line of cars honking away behind me, Mr Pearly White started to chat me up.

It started innocently enough.

"Where do u live?" He asked.
"Oh i dont live around here". And in old lame izyan fashion, i tried to justify why I forgot to pay my parking ticket, "this is my first time using this parking lot so i didnt know i had to pay the ticket first. Im so sorry, so silly of me... Yada yada."

I have a tendency to go into verbal diarrhoea when I'm stressed.

He smiled. "Don't sweat it. It happens."

Then out of the blue...
"So tell me, what's your name?"

That was a weird question. How would my name make me leave this parking lot any faster?

"Er izyan."

"Nice to meet you Izyan. I'm xxxxxx. What do you do Izyan?"

Another weird question.

I laughed nervously. "I'm a doctor, see." I pointed to my stethoscope on my dashboard.

"Ah. So if i get sick, can I come and see you?".

Woah!!! That's when it hit me. This kid is trying to flirt with me.

I could almost hear my own heartbeat in my ears, and I'm pretty sure my face was flushed beetroot red. I mean, him being good looking really didnt help. The honking behind us had died down. But i was praying hard that it will get loud again. I've been out of the flirt-with-random-stranger game for a while now. So this was unfamiliar territory for me.

We kinda indulged in small chit chat for a little bit more, with me giggling nervously like a schoolgirl, and him showing an overconfidence that was pretty impressive.

Until, after what felt like forever, my sister finally appeared, with the paid ticket in her hand. I quickly said goodbye and drove out of that parking as fast as was i was legally able to. I didnt him give a chance to say anything more.

phew~

I suppose even at this age (and weight), i can still catch someone's eye hahahaha.

Shattered glass

A dark cloud hung over the whole workplace today. A young cardiothoracic surgeon beloved by everyone was tragically involved in an accident 200m from the hospital we worked in. The news trickled in bit by bit.

...... "He's in the emergency department."

Must have been a small accident, we all thought.

....."He's in the red zone."

Oh, Was it that serious?

..... "He's been intubated and he went into cardiac arrest."

We all work in medicine. We all knew it did not sound great. But nobody wanted to say it. We held our breath for a little longer, and we prayed. That everything will be okay.

And as we continued to try and run the hospital as usual, we finally heard the news that everyone was dreading.

....."He did not make it."
.
.
.
_____________________________

It felt so surreal. I had just been texting him a couple of days ago. And now he was gone.

He had just been teasing me about working in Africa (when he knew full well i had been employed in Europe). And now he was gone.

I remember telling him how I'd been out of clinical work for almost 3 years, and that i was only starting to get used it again. He looked at me and said "You've been out that long and you're still this good? Amazing".
I don't know how truly good i am but those kind words at that time was a boost to my fledgling confidence.

So yes, I grief.
And my heart breaks.

For he was truly a good man.
A dedicated surgeon.
A doting father.
A loving husband.

May Allah accept all his good deeds and grant him the highest ranks in Jannah. And may his family and loved ones have infinite strength and patience to get through this tough times.

انا لله وانا اليه راجعون

"Indeed to Allah we belong, and to Him we shall return. "