Linger

I felt that he was an nice enough man, although maybe a little rough around the edges. His words made me warm and fuzzy inside and he was a good listener. But more importantly than that, I felt he could be trusted.

So i ended up telling him everything; right to the last detail. I guess all this while I just needed someone to talk to, someone outside the small circle of people I see almost every day for the past 5 years. He didn't need to understand, he didn't even need to agree with me. All i wanted was for him to listen and pretend like he cared, which in all honesty he probably didn't.

It didn't really matter.

It felt good just letting it off my chest, all those deep dark secrets i carry around with me. Maybe someday, all the guilt and memories that invade my subconscious when i sleep and gives me goosebumps when I'm not, will grow dull with time.

Until then, i suppose i will just have to live with it.

Tell me

It was roughly about this time 3 years ago that i started to blog on a regular basis. Now, a full cycle (and a bit more) around the sun later, it's time for me to reflect on my journey.

If you must know, backtracking on things you've written in the past isn't a lovely experience. It displays your flaws out in the open where exposure to the elements makes it ugly, rusty and tarnished. Like a piece of silver that has lost it's luster. And the fact that my flaws aren't exactly sparkling silver to begin with......

....well, let's just say it's not pretty.

Anyway, there's a consistent pattern to my writings, i noticed.

I seem to rant and rave a lot. I give torrents of unrelenting words with no substance and rippling of disastrous accounts no one really wants to know. Sometimes i brag about things not worthy of bragging, sometimes i'm too happy and too cynical, and sometimes i grieve just a little. 

Given, we all have different ways of handling emotions. Me, i write. But as you might realize (assuming u've been paying attention) is that I write in codes, and that I'm all smoke and mirrors. I say things i don't really mean when what i really want to say gets hidden under layers of euphemisms and understatements. And then there's the odd times when i really have nothing at all to say but still manage to exaggerate way over the roof.

It's funny, because i figured that when i backtrack on my posts, it'll give me good memories of old times. Instead, i seem to find myself confused on more than half of these occasions.

"What the heck was i trying to get at? Who was i talking about again? Was i drunk when i wrote that?"

haha. Sometimes, i do remember though. And i'd blush, hoping with all my might that whatever i spilled in the past never haunts me in the future, and that people I've been  ranting about (in codes, of course) never finds out it was them i had been talking about all along. *blush lagi*

I think everyone has a fair share of creativeness. No wait, scrap that. I think creativity is biasedly distributed in the population. And i'm one of the unlucky few with very limited reservoir of this valuable intangible asset. At this point in time, I've almost used up all my limited share of creative juices. I probably won't be able to come up with anything interesting anymore to write about.

So should I keep writing, i wonder? 

Bug

In the distant future, on a far off world inhabited by a race of giant alien insects, we meet Bug. A starry-eyed dreamer, Bug has never quite fit into bug-society and inside the pus-vesicle that serves as his heart, he longs for something more. When his planet is visited by a Starship of colonizing humans, Bug will set out on an adventure to find love and save the world. In 2011, one small bug will remind us all what it means to be human.....

p/s: how lovely =)

Oncology means cancer

Today was the longest clinic i've ever been to, but arguably one of the best one yet. I saw a whole array of oncology patients through that almost 7 hour session (with no breaks whatsoever mind you).

Testicular cancer (undoubtedly the most interesting!), breast cancer, malignant melanoma, bladder cancer, colon cancer, lymphoma, lung cancer both small cell and non small cell, ovarian cancer, mesothelioma... You name it!

I know i'm not supposed to sound happy about this, and i truly sympathize with the patients and their families for their pain. But it was a good clinic and a good day for me and i learned a lot from these people i met through unfortunate circumstances.

Of course, sitting in with the ever enthuasiastic and good natured Dr Donellan was a huge plus as well. So i've got to thank him for making my day. If only all doctors were like him.

Oh that would be an ideal world~


p/s: if i sound linguistically challenged to u, it's because i'm a final med and i neither have the time nor the energy to be eloquent.

p/s: i thought he had forgotten all about me, but i bumped into him in the corridor today and he said hi, did a funny dance involving limbs and weird faces, and made me laugh. Gosh he's adorkable!

Breathless

I had moon over him for a while - that person i thought i loved. The one who made my heart race, my palms sweaty and my head spinning whenever he talked to me. He was like a heat stroke that came and went with the breeze (but in a good way). And i had been the willing victim to that spinning sensation he gave me. I thought it would always be like that with him; that I would always see him as my heat stroke.

I was mistaken.

The last time I saw him, my heart didn't skip a beat like it usually does. My cheeks didn't blush that crimson red. There were no butterflies in my stomach, no sudden burst of fireworks in my head. There was simply nothing. Not even a single flutter in my heart as i watched him walk past me.

And at that very instance i realized, I no longer had any feelings for him.

Maybe what i had naively mistaken as love was only me clinging to a misguided feeling. Surely love could not have crumbled this easily? The great Love, of which beautiful poetries are written and heart-wrenching songs sung by minstrels and poets and lovesick puppies alike. Surely that Love would have been more durable than this?

But this.... this thing i thought was love had been too fragile. At the mere sight of him sharing his perfect laugh with another girl, I quickly lost interest. Just as quickly as when i had first fallen for his charming smile, dazzling eyes and sunny disposition oh so many moons ago.

It came and it went, and now it's over.

Sorry, but I'm moving on. You were too late.