I flirt with danger!

Hahaha... No i don't!
Cos i don't flirt.
Period!

Lately, a couple of people have been telling me that i should flirt more. (Huh???) I tell them, politely (but rather impatiently) that i do not flirt. I never have and I probably never will. I'm just stiff and rigid like that. I am a self-proclaimed nerd remember? And this is how we roll~

The best thing is that we nerds don't simply avoid engaging in any acts of flirting ourselves, we also make a point of repelling any flirtatious advances from people.

I remember subtly brushing aside my friend's feeble attempts at being flirtatious once. Probably dejected, he claimed i was being impossible (What the....??). And then he gave a not-so-plausible theory to why I don't flirt, and i loosely quote:

U have been stuck in surgery and clinical trials amongst all those hospital antiseptic-smelling corridors that u are really REALLY out of touch with flirtations.

HAHAHA. Yeah right.

The thing is, you can't flirt with just anybody. It doesn't work that way. And since i have not yet found that special person worthy of me submitting myself to this ancient and shameless act of trying to attract the attention of the opposite sex, i will refrain from flirting!

So go ahead, say what you want about me.
Flirting just ain't my thing!

Live with it.

NextEire 2009

NextEire 2009
A New Beginning

My very first big contribution to the Galway community!!

For the last 3 years, I've always only been a silent spectator. I come to events and functions to support the hardworking people who are generous enough to part with their time and energy organizing such things. I help a little where i could, but never really doing much.

Ahhh, but this time around i have finally gotten my hands dirty. I wonder why no one bothered to tell me that keeping yourself busy with work can be so much fun. (^____^)v

NO time to be bored.
NO time to diddle-daddle and be lazy.
NO time to mope around or be moody.

It's a not-so-familiar type of adrenaline surge - this whole business of having NO (less?) time for yourself. It's the type of rush that zonkes you out completely but at the same time gives u a sense of satisfaction you won't get any other way.

So yeah, i'm proud of myself for doing this (i never knew i had it in me).
And a big THANK YOU to the committee members:
You people are the greatest!

Now, next up on the MYS calendar:
Islamic Awareness Week.

Gema Galway
Great effort guys =)


MYS Committee 08/09
Great people to work with =)

Behind the scenes~

Raptai

Helping out at the 'Free Palestine!' booth.


(Pictures courtesy of Amir Azfar, Fariza, and Fatihah)

This is it!

I haven't had palpitations like this for quite some time.

Not when i was yelled at in the middle of the ward by LT, nor when i was called to the Vice-Dean's office. I didn't feel this way when that cute guy i had my eyes on smiled and talked to me.

This is the type of palpitation i haven't felt in a good while.

It was a steady friend during my very confused days in highschool; it was the thing that pushed me forward and kept me on my toes. I miss having this feeling; this fast heart rate; this tightness in my chest. It's a little uncomfortable i've gotta admit, but somehow I like it. It tells me that i'm alive.

Maybe this was the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle i was looking for.
Maybe this is IT!!!

To be honest, I was skeptical at first. I bombarded him with questions. He answered in codes. I said I'd sleep on it. He said okay. So i made a list of pros and cons, but all i could come up with were cons.

I was stumped.

I didn't want to say NO because I knew deep down I wanted this to work. All i really needed was a little gentle push in the right direction. So I asked him to convince me again; make me believe; sway me with sweet words if that's what it takes.

"Gimme ur best sales pitch" i said to him.
And he did (quite effortlessly), leaving me pleasantly stunned~

He had me. (What a guy!).
No point being the tough customer now.

So i said YES!
(I'm still a little nervous, but it's about time I make that jump~)

p/s: First date tomorrow at 4. =)

Yesterday's regrets

I was a very empty shell as a teenager. Not quite alone, but very very lonely. I was also self-destructive. I shoved people who cared about me away, putting up a protective barrier to shield myself so no one could hurt me, when in fact it was me who was doing all the hurting. I was so attuned to my own deep dark feelings of misery but blatantly ignorant of feelings of people around me. When i sit down and think about it now, I have so many regrets from my days in high school. I always tell people i didn't quite like it there and brush them off to a different topic if they ever brooch the subject. But i have to confront my demons sooner or later eh? So here goes:

Friend 1: I'm very sorry i wasn't there foe you when you were going through that rough patch; when they bullied you and made it seem like they were only joking around; when your parents marriage hit a rocky road and you were worried how it affected your younger siblings. I didn't see, and let you be. I'm sorry i was so selfish. I'm sorry I was such a horrible friend. I'll do whatever to make it up to u now. Promise.

Friend2: You were always so kind to me, looking after me when i fell sick. But i pushed you away, made u feel bad about yourself. As if you were the worse friend a friend could have. I ignored you when you talked to me. I acted as if you didn't exist even tho we were living under the same roof, eating the same yucky boarding school food. I'm sorry i did what i did. I know i've practically used up my all my sorries on you, but i still can't kill the guilt away. Sorry again. (That date this summer, make it happen ok! I really want to see u.)

Friend3: You were the one who understood me and my complexity the most. You were the one who made life remotely bearable for me in school. Stood by me when i felt others didn't. My partner in crime =) My bestest friend. From our kiddy days in form 1 up to our (konon mature) days in form 5. Didn't you promise to always keep in touch? Why the vanishing act now? I miss you and those secret conversations we use to have. I'll track you down, i'm not kidding. And when i do, make sure u have a very good excuse for not keeping ur promise.

Friend4: You asked me recently why i never did anything to help you then. I was left speechless. You're right. I should've done something, but i didn't. I chose only to save myself. I watched from the sides while you yelled for someone to throw u a lifeline. I'm sorry. I truly am.

To a all the other people I've hurt: apologies alone will not do it. But i do hope you'll learn to forgive me. I know i was such a terrible friend, i wonder why you girls still talk to me. But I'm glad that you do =)

Happy 10 years! Gosh, lama! I love you girls.
(Not too sure about the guys. LOL... they mostly ignored me, except maybe the quieter and nerdier ones =yes, Fairus= *wink* hehe.)

De' Nerd - Recognized!

So guess what i got in the mail yesterday?

Nope, not the bills.
Not letters from the bank.
Not the stuff i bought on Ebay.
And not CNY cards either. (why would anyone wanna gv me CNY cards anyway??)

Hehe, i got an invite!!
You're probably wondering why i'm so happy. Everyone gets letters inviting them to this and that. What's so special about this one?

Aha! I can see the wheels spinning in ur heads!! I'll torture u no more, my dear readers. The answer to that question is rather simple: It's special cos it's an invite to an award ceremony.

And since there's no graceful way to say this, i'm just gonna shoot:

I won a university award!! WOOOPEEE!
(izyan de' nerd has finally scored!!!!)

Now, for bragging purposes, allow me to quote the letter: "I am pleased to let you know that you have been awarded a university scholarship by the university....... to give recognition to students who have attained high distinctions in their examinations" (yeap, that means me!) (^____^)v hehehe.

I was so excited I called Dad there and then to tell him the good news. He was in a board meeting, but he didn't hang up on me. (Ahh Dad, u're too sweet~). So I asked him "Are u proud of me, Abah?"

"I'm always proud of you, Putri," he whispered. (board meeting remember)

Ahh, nak balik malaysia~ (*teary eyed)

I also told all my housies about the award that very morning, except Te'ah who I didn't get a chance to see before class. But when i bumped into her at the hospital, she came up to me and hugged me, all happy for me! (apparently Emy already told her the news.) Ahhh, my friends are so nice (*teary eyed lagi)

(i am so gonna treat all you girls to a hearty dinner~)

I wonder if winners get to give an acceptance speech? I've got a long list of very special people to thank for my achievements~ hahahaha... probably not. But no harm daydreaming huh?

p/s: i have the bragging rights to write this, don't gv negative comments.

Sayonara.

(This is an emotional post. Read at your own discretion)

There are so many things about me that i don't like.

(I'm a fake, and that scares me.)
My voice is an echo of stuff i read and hear. My thoughts are that of others. My whole being is shrouded in a thick layer of lies, just barely hiding the monster underneath; the real me. It started off as a shield for me to protect myself from hurt. But through the years, it has gotten so bad that I'm sometimes lost in my own facade, believing that I'm someone I'm actually not. I try desperately to conform to the norm of society when inside i struggle to find myself. I don't let people in through my door (not even a peek) because I'm afraid that if they see what I'm really like, they'd be disgusted (i know i am!).

I'm a phony, so don't be friends with me.

(I'm a coward, and that worries me.)
I run away from problems instead of facing them. When something starts getting awkward, i bail. I don't try anything new and i never take risks. I'm dull and boring because I'm always safe. I'm safe because i always harbor that irrational fear of turning out to be a failure; an embarrassment to my family, a disappointment to people who actually care about me (if any). So i've learn to always take the safest route, and to always have my eyes set on the exit if i ever need an escape.

A coward, that's what i am.

(I'm indecisive, and that agonizes me.)
I'm scared of making decisions because I'm afraid of making the wrong ones. I'm stiff as a stick and as pessimistic as an old dog. I drown in my own self-inflicted insecurities with no lifeline to save me (not that I'm worth saving anyway).

I'm a mess; an indecisive mess.

I know I've got to learn to grow up and face my demons sooner or later. But at the mean time, let me be childish for just this once. Let me throw tantrums and not be reprimanded for it. Let me be the selfish, angry, scary, snob most people think I am. After all, I am only human; riddled with layers of flaws and imperfections~

DREAM

A world free from hunger,
I hate to see kids suffer.

A world knows no poverty,
We can start with generosity.

A world colored in greens and flowers,
We’ll keep things bright for the future.

A world with you and me together,
Entangled hearts and lost forever.

.......


(This poem is mine! Dedicated to all the ppl i love!)

The certainty of death.

I woke up this morning with a sharp pain in the area of my left 5th intercostal space, just around where the apex of my heart is. It got worse every time i took a breath. For a moment i was scared. I was afraid to breathe because of the pain, and i was scared that this was it, that my heart would suddenly fail me and i'd just keel over and die, nothing to say for myself. A life wasted on earth for nothing.

It passed. But in that few minutes of pain, sinister thoughts crossed my mind.

What did i do with my life?
Did i help save a soul?
Did i do my part in society?
Did i do my part as a human? As a Muslim?
Did i ask for forgiveness from people i've hurt?
Did i give forgiveness where forgiveness was due?

What did i do with my life other than live selfishly thinking only of myself?

I remember someone once said that learning medicine either gives you a greater appreciation towards life or makes you indifferent towards death.

I don't know if i can proudly say that i appreciate life more or that death is nothing big, but i do know one thing though: I'm more acutely aware of life and death (death in particular). It lingers at the back of my head, not quite there but lingering still.

When i see a person smoking, i'd start to wonder if he'd get lung cancer and die an insidiously painful death. When i notice unintentional weight loss and that my hair is falling out in clumps, i start thinking of malignancies. When i sit long hours in a bus i imagine my blood clotting and i develop a DVT and eventually a PE and then i die, hard and cold. I get into a car and i wonder if i'd rupture my aorta if i was ever in a bad car crash.

It's morbid i know, but i can't help it. With more things that i learn and more things that i see, I've become more and more aware of that dark looming figure which is death.

I know death is certain. I know it is inevitable.

But it still scares the shit out of me.

(mungkin amalku masih jauh tidak cukup~)

TGI Friday.

And i mean that!!
Gosh, clinical is tiring.
I've got 10 minutes to type this so i'm gonna type fast. Grammatical errors (if any) will be dealt with in due course. (So back off grammar patrols).

I'm not about to complain of my week cos I haven't even got it THAT bad. At least i'm off by 6pm. Some of the doctors have to work long hours late into the night. (my, they're amazing).

Anyway, i still can't help feeling like a machine. I wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning. Do my usual morning routines, fight over the bathroom by 7am (5 girls 1 bathroom; u do the math), skip breakfast to save time, only to get to the morning conference 5 minutes late. And cos it's all technical jargons and garble nothings that i hear, I'd doze off throughout the whole conference. (waste of time!)

Then, we have the ward rounds, which is absolutely class!!! I love ward rounds. It keeps me on my toes. And it's uber fun getting to meet all those different patients. The Q and A session may be a bit unnerving, but it's otherwise the best time of the week.

After that, we'd do some (semi)light exercise i.e running around here and there, while desperately arranging for available doctors and professors to give us tutorials. It's a bit of a drag really. But then again, they say at this stage, that's how it goes. If u want knowledge, seek it! And that's exactly what we're doing.

By 6, i'm dead tired. All i could think of is getting home to my comfy zone under the duvet. And true to my words, that's where i head first when i get home. I ditch all the books and sleep. Last night alone i slept from 8pm to 5am. (but i'm still sleepy, which is weird).

So anyway, my 10 minutes is up.
Time to fight over the bathroom.
Sigh~

p/s: I prolly need to get some semblance of a normal life back. Hmmm.. I'll try figuring how to work that out in the weekends.

Graves' disease~

I had my first looooong day yesterday. An 8am-6pm day with an hour lunch break between 1-2pm. It could have stretched longer had i gone to the wards to meet patients (i did actually go take a look at their charts before deciding i was too exhausted to meet any of them).

Anyway, the highlight of my day was at the diabetic clinic. I had been shadowing this lady doctor (an SHO) for close to 3 hours. Every time she asked me a question, i was left stumped. The questions weren't too hard, mind you (eg: give me the complications of diabetes). But as simple as the questions were, i couldn't give a satisfactory answer. She kinda looked at me like i was an idiot after some time, stopped asking me any more questions and started to teach me some god-awful basic stuff as i acted super dumb.

But then this patient came in. She had bulging eyes (exophthalmos) - the classic sign of Graves' Disease. I had my thyroid lectures with Gerfla last semester, so that was one department i was 100% sure i wouldn't mess up. When the patient left, i mentioned to the SHO about my observation.

"Good catch there, Izzy. Yes, she did have thyroitoxicosis prior to her thyroidectomy" said the SHO as she smiled and gave me a good, hard congratulatory pat on the back. "Very good!"

I put on my best 'Ahhh-no-big-deal' face.
But inside i was dancing. (*grins)

In fact, i'm still dancing~
Lalalala~

Invisible.

There are those odd times when i feel like i'm invisible. Like i'm there but people don't see me. It's a funny feeling - not being seen by others. Just like a passing bee buzzing by. Or another dirty brick on the brick wall. It's like trying to talk in a room full of people but your voice gets drown out by the noise.

Invisible.

Ignored.

Overlooked.

THAT'S ME.

Then today, something weird happened. They called me by my name. Not once, not twice but countless times. And they spoke to me, and listened when i had something to say. I guess they do realize i exist. And that i'm human and not some empty walking, talking shell. I know it's a little petty but it actually makes me happy. =)

So call my name. Again and again. I don't mind, not one bit.

p/s: It's that time of the month and like always, my legs are killing me! (Lenguh! dang!) I prolly need to take some iron supplements (+ a pint of blood)

Stalker

In a twisted turn of fate, i landed on a blog i vowed months ago to never go to ever again (I've only ever been there once). And to twist the tale twistier, i came to this entry where the guy wrote about me, or rather to me. (sigh~).

I know it was an apology note, and I know i was meant to be touched, but please just not reference anything back to me. I can probably tolerate people using my pseudonym, if they absolutely must. But why in the world did he use my real name? (arghh.. headache~)

I'd really appreciate it if people won't do that.
I'm a private person.
So, any invasion of my privacy causes me severe distress.
(now i can't even make myself go to sleep; worrying about something so petty)

I prolly need smaller doors with bigger locks.
And a steady supply of antipsychotic drugs. =__='

All the small things.

It just so happens that I'm ushering the New Year's by being a total mess (nothing new there).

• I've caught a cold even tho I've taken meticulous precautions to stay extra healthy. Those pathogenic organisms just know where to find me - 3 winters in a row, no less! Sigh~ The thing i hate most about colds is that you don't feel well enough to enjoy your day but you're also not sick enough to stay in bed and be pampered. It's a ugly battle between good and evil, and evil is winning the race by a yard. What's worse is that it was my turn cooking yesterday, so I'm pretty sure i spread some vicious germs into the food without meaning to. I just hope none of my housemates gets sick and start blaming me.

• It's official, I'm broke. If any of you read my last post, i mentioned something about an accident. No one got hurt, Alhamdullillah. But we weren't insured and since the car crash was our fault, we had to pay for the damages. It amounted to thousands and thousands of Euro (i'll leave the specifics out). Just times that with 5 and... voila!: enough money to buy another car in Malaysia (a cheap one of cos). We've all had to max out our credit cards. I even had to use the money i've been saving up for my wedding day (before you start getting the wrong idea, i'm not getting married anytime soon!). Sigh~ there's goes the professional photographer and banquet-style reception. There goes my dream wedding day~ Oh well, they say low-key weddings are the in-thing nowadays, huh? (sedapkan hati) My dad offered to help out, but i just don't think it's right to accept his offer. I can't keep running to Daddy every time something bad crops up. This year, I'll deal with all my problems like an adult! Yes i will! =)

• I've been reading about the bloodshed in Gaza, about the horrors of the bombings. I'm appalled at how the crisis is spiraling further out of control. It makes all my petty problems seem utterly insignificant. The Israelis say it's self defense. BS! It's genocide, and they know it!! They're deviously taking away innocent lives and trying to wipe off a nation while the rest of the world remain blinded by the coming of a new year. We need to act NOW! Put international pressure to make them stop. A ceasefire at least, if not total peace. (Please don't ask me how. I'm trying to figure that out myself) "Ya Allah, save our brothers and sisters in Palestine. Give them strength to get through these trying times."

Hmm. Anyway, I've promised pictures. So here there are. I'll probably upload a couple more later when i get my hands on pictures from Paan's camera.

Dunguaire Castle, Kinvara


Cliffs of Moher, Co. Clare


Killarney National Park


Killarney National Park


Ladies View, Killarney


Blarney Castle, Co. Cork


Boxing Day - Dublin.

Hill of Tara, Co. Meath


Teamhair na ri ("Hill of the Kings")


Somewhere i can't remember.