Yesterday's regrets

I was a very empty shell as a teenager. Not quite alone, but very very lonely. I was also self-destructive. I shoved people who cared about me away, putting up a protective barrier to shield myself so no one could hurt me, when in fact it was me who was doing all the hurting. I was so attuned to my own deep dark feelings of misery but blatantly ignorant of feelings of people around me. When i sit down and think about it now, I have so many regrets from my days in high school. I always tell people i didn't quite like it there and brush them off to a different topic if they ever brooch the subject. But i have to confront my demons sooner or later eh? So here goes:

Friend 1: I'm very sorry i wasn't there foe you when you were going through that rough patch; when they bullied you and made it seem like they were only joking around; when your parents marriage hit a rocky road and you were worried how it affected your younger siblings. I didn't see, and let you be. I'm sorry i was so selfish. I'm sorry I was such a horrible friend. I'll do whatever to make it up to u now. Promise.

Friend2: You were always so kind to me, looking after me when i fell sick. But i pushed you away, made u feel bad about yourself. As if you were the worse friend a friend could have. I ignored you when you talked to me. I acted as if you didn't exist even tho we were living under the same roof, eating the same yucky boarding school food. I'm sorry i did what i did. I know i've practically used up my all my sorries on you, but i still can't kill the guilt away. Sorry again. (That date this summer, make it happen ok! I really want to see u.)

Friend3: You were the one who understood me and my complexity the most. You were the one who made life remotely bearable for me in school. Stood by me when i felt others didn't. My partner in crime =) My bestest friend. From our kiddy days in form 1 up to our (konon mature) days in form 5. Didn't you promise to always keep in touch? Why the vanishing act now? I miss you and those secret conversations we use to have. I'll track you down, i'm not kidding. And when i do, make sure u have a very good excuse for not keeping ur promise.

Friend4: You asked me recently why i never did anything to help you then. I was left speechless. You're right. I should've done something, but i didn't. I chose only to save myself. I watched from the sides while you yelled for someone to throw u a lifeline. I'm sorry. I truly am.

To a all the other people I've hurt: apologies alone will not do it. But i do hope you'll learn to forgive me. I know i was such a terrible friend, i wonder why you girls still talk to me. But I'm glad that you do =)

Happy 10 years! Gosh, lama! I love you girls.
(Not too sure about the guys. LOL... they mostly ignored me, except maybe the quieter and nerdier ones =yes, Fairus= *wink* hehe.)