Sayonara.

(This is an emotional post. Read at your own discretion)

There are so many things about me that i don't like.

(I'm a fake, and that scares me.)
My voice is an echo of stuff i read and hear. My thoughts are that of others. My whole being is shrouded in a thick layer of lies, just barely hiding the monster underneath; the real me. It started off as a shield for me to protect myself from hurt. But through the years, it has gotten so bad that I'm sometimes lost in my own facade, believing that I'm someone I'm actually not. I try desperately to conform to the norm of society when inside i struggle to find myself. I don't let people in through my door (not even a peek) because I'm afraid that if they see what I'm really like, they'd be disgusted (i know i am!).

I'm a phony, so don't be friends with me.

(I'm a coward, and that worries me.)
I run away from problems instead of facing them. When something starts getting awkward, i bail. I don't try anything new and i never take risks. I'm dull and boring because I'm always safe. I'm safe because i always harbor that irrational fear of turning out to be a failure; an embarrassment to my family, a disappointment to people who actually care about me (if any). So i've learn to always take the safest route, and to always have my eyes set on the exit if i ever need an escape.

A coward, that's what i am.

(I'm indecisive, and that agonizes me.)
I'm scared of making decisions because I'm afraid of making the wrong ones. I'm stiff as a stick and as pessimistic as an old dog. I drown in my own self-inflicted insecurities with no lifeline to save me (not that I'm worth saving anyway).

I'm a mess; an indecisive mess.

I know I've got to learn to grow up and face my demons sooner or later. But at the mean time, let me be childish for just this once. Let me throw tantrums and not be reprimanded for it. Let me be the selfish, angry, scary, snob most people think I am. After all, I am only human; riddled with layers of flaws and imperfections~