Crossroads

In half a year, i can finally say goodbye to "Izyan - the full time med student" and say hello to a new Izyan.

Yes, "Izyan - the hardworking professional" (insyaAllah).

But it's not really relief that i feel at that prospect, so much as dread. So many decisions to make. So many issues to resolve. So many people to please. And then, there's that one question I've been asking myself again and again but still fail to get a good answer to: What exactly do i really want for myself?

I'm starting to think there's nothing left for me in Ireland. With the economy the way it is, getting paid in euro isn't that big a deal anymore (the tax rate isn't so appealing either). And there's the case of living all alone in a foreign country. My friends are either leaving or those who aren't are scattered all over the place. Now contrary to popular belief, I don't really thrive well alone. I'm like a plant who needs to be surrounded by cool water and warm sunshine, else i wilt and die from the inside out. So I think, I might as well just go home and make life easier for myself.

But when i have the luxury of time to sit down and think, I realize that I might be missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime. Other people would do almost anything to get the chances I'm taking for granted right now. I tell myself the experience alone would be worth it, regardless of the lousy pay, or the lonely existence. I tell myself it will only be for a year or two (max!). I tell myself how lucky I am that my choices are wide and varied, while others have to take whatever is placed on their platter without a say. I tell myself all these but my heart still yearns for home, for the warm fuzzy comfort of family and siblings and friends, the customary day to day norms of a familiar environment.

Granted, there will be things I'll miss about Ireland. Little thing. Like how I can walk around dressed like a hobo and no one would notice (or they would notice, but make a point not to just because i look weird to them to begin with). Or how i could say whatever pops my mind without worrying about other people (mis)understanding (having your own secret language can be pretty convenient). Or how people would compliment me on my good English, given how i don't look caucasian and all (and i tell them their English isn't so bad either, considering they are caucasians. Hahaha! morons!). Or how i could walk for miles on end on a good day without breaking a sweat just because it's lovely and dry (unlike hot and humid Malaysia). And of course, the super fast internet connection (this is probably what i'll miss most) allowing me to shop online with ease in the comfort of my own home (and burn a big hole in my pocket while I'm at it).

So yeah, I dunno.

Should I stay or should i go back home? That is the question!
(assuming of course that i graduate with flying colours.. amin~)