The certainty of death.

I woke up this morning with a sharp pain in the area of my left 5th intercostal space, just around where the apex of my heart is. It got worse every time i took a breath. For a moment i was scared. I was afraid to breathe because of the pain, and i was scared that this was it, that my heart would suddenly fail me and i'd just keel over and die, nothing to say for myself. A life wasted on earth for nothing.

It passed. But in that few minutes of pain, sinister thoughts crossed my mind.

What did i do with my life?
Did i help save a soul?
Did i do my part in society?
Did i do my part as a human? As a Muslim?
Did i ask for forgiveness from people i've hurt?
Did i give forgiveness where forgiveness was due?

What did i do with my life other than live selfishly thinking only of myself?

I remember someone once said that learning medicine either gives you a greater appreciation towards life or makes you indifferent towards death.

I don't know if i can proudly say that i appreciate life more or that death is nothing big, but i do know one thing though: I'm more acutely aware of life and death (death in particular). It lingers at the back of my head, not quite there but lingering still.

When i see a person smoking, i'd start to wonder if he'd get lung cancer and die an insidiously painful death. When i notice unintentional weight loss and that my hair is falling out in clumps, i start thinking of malignancies. When i sit long hours in a bus i imagine my blood clotting and i develop a DVT and eventually a PE and then i die, hard and cold. I get into a car and i wonder if i'd rupture my aorta if i was ever in a bad car crash.

It's morbid i know, but i can't help it. With more things that i learn and more things that i see, I've become more and more aware of that dark looming figure which is death.

I know death is certain. I know it is inevitable.

But it still scares the shit out of me.

(mungkin amalku masih jauh tidak cukup~)