Let the anguish flow.

It's 4am. I can't sleep.
Honestly, whatever i write during times of sleeplessness borders between whole truths and complete rubbish. Nothing can be more perfect than that, so I'll write anyway.

Classes have been pretty challenging lately. I say that now, but I've been doing nothing productive to help myself. Since the last MCQ, the only studying i've done is either revising old animes or watching silly variety shows. I try to pretend to everyone that i really am doing something useful like studying when i lock myself in my room, when in fact I'm not. My daily routine consists of waking up in the morn', mechanically go to all my classes and meetings, return home, and will the time away with nothing important until bedtime. Then, under the comfort of my duvet, i either fall asleep instantly, or i don't [in which case i go on the net and again kill time doing nothing important till i DO fall asleep]. It's like a classic case of the Monday morning blues, only this one persists throughout the whole day, for days. So at present, all self-directed learning/studying/revising has been put on hold until I've got my life sorted out and my rusty engines running again.

I do feel slightly guilty to all my groupmates in all my various groups [professionalism, bacteriology, carbrySG etc] for not pulling my weight more. And i particular feel guilty towards a certain someone who's unfortunate enough to be stuck with me in almost all the groups I'm in [u know who u are]. It's not that I'm purposely doing this to spite anyone. I just seem to lack the drive and motivation to do anything. And as tempting as it is to don the hitchhiker hat, i would never do it cos I hate the idea of people not liking me. I guess that's the only sliver of hope of me doing anything constructive at the moment. Maybe. Probably. I dunno.

You see, I'm writing all this in a fairly lighthearted manner, but it's actually very frustrating for me - this inability to escape a vicious cycle of self destruction. I wish someone can just whack me very hard on the head and scream at me to get my act together [this used to be my dad's job]. tsk tsk.. being responsible for oneself sure is a tiring job. Looking after an infant is probably much easier.

C'mon Izyan, buck up!!!!